Death of a friend in adulthood
February 13, 2012
When I was in my thirties, my best friend from early childhood died of breast cancer. At that point in her life, she was married with three wonderful children and living in Israel. Jill was home the summer before she died and I asked her if I would ever see her again. She smiled and nodded no. She died a few months later.
The whole experience was surreal for me. I think and dream of her often. She was beautiful inside and out. In my early fifties, a friend I had known for about 20 years died of stomach cancer. Kenny had moved to California and luckily, I was able to spend some time with him a few months before he died. His death and the subsequent deaths of my friends are far from surreal and each has impacted me differently. Click here to read more.
Intellectual Disabilities and Grief
January 31, 2012
On the evening news recently, there was a feature story about a five-year-old boy with Down’s syndrome. He is a clothing model for Nordstrom’s and other high-end fashion stores. In addition to being completely adorable, his parents commented on how completely “normal” he is. Children and adults with intellectual disabilities are indeed normal and share all the feelings, wishes, and desires as do people without disabilities. This includes grief and loss. Click here to read more.
To read more about hospice, grief and this population, here is a link to a recent article Finding Their Voice: Helping the Person with Intellectual Disabilities Grieve that I co-authored with Rex Allen, MA, Grief Support Services Manager, Providence Hospice of Seattle in National Hospice and Palliative Care’s NewsLine Magazine (December 2011).
New Year’s Resolutions for the Grieving
January 16, 2012
For most people, New Year’s resolutions are about improving life, about making a fresh start. Perhaps we want to lose weight, exercise, or a number of other self-improvement projects. However, when we are grieving, our tendency is to look backwards, not forwards.
Here are some softer resolutions that may work for you as you begin to learn from your grief and understand your emotions.
CARING – Allow yourself to accept expressions of caring from others even though they might be uneasy and awkward. Support groups may be beneficial to you. Click here to read more.
Grief: Caring for Aging Parents
January 6, 2012
It’s seems unreal that I wrote this article just a few months ago. Mom turned 85 the end of November. Dad died two weeks prior.
I think my dad truly didn’t want to have dementia knowing how difficult that would have become not only for him, but also for mom and the family. Dad became seriously ill and died suddenly of heart failure.
Because he had given us the gift of creating his advance care directives, we were able to honor his wishes without question.
I am continuously impressed with Mom’s grace through all of this. I am also honored to be one of five children that works together as family – each bringing strength to best meet each other’s needs and wishes
Grief Exhaustion
December 19, 2011
One common characteristic of grief is exhaustion. If you are newly bereaved, you may be feeling more tired than usual. You may feel so tired that you think you may have the flu as the only other time you have experienced this weakened state is when you have been ill. Small tasks may seem monumental and every routine chore becomes a huge job. Grief is hard work and the business surrounding your loved one’s death can also take a toll. Perhaps you sat vigil the final days of your loved one’s life and even if you weren’t sitting vigil, you may have been so preoccupied that you could not get a decent night’s rest.
‘Tis the season: coping with holidays
December 9, 2011
For the past 10 years I have written an annual column on coping with the holidays. Each year I get asked, “How will I ever get through the holidays?” For so many bereaved, this will be the first holiday season without their deceased love one.
The first year is difficult. The second and third year can be pretty tough too.
The first year, things may seem surreal. Perhaps you decided to take a vacation or have dinner at your auntie’s home. You may still be in a fog. Then the second or third holiday season comes around and reality sets in. Your deceased love one will not be present. If you always had Christmas dinner at mom’s or potato latkes at Aunt Marsha’s, you may now have to be the host of such gatherings. Although you start a new tradition, you still can honor your loved one. Cook a favorite dish, take time to share stories, or give to a charity in honor of him or her.
Grief, Gratitude and Thanksgiving
November 22, 2011
Here comes Thanksgiving. This is the holiday that focuses on giving thanks where loving families celebrate by coming together. After all, the television and media bombard us with this truth. Hallmark movies embrace the returning vet or the estranged brother, and bickering couples always seem to re-unite.
And yet, you’re not up for all this brouhaha.
Do I sound cynical? I don’t mean to be. Many people have a hard time with holidays in general let alone when they are bereaved. When you are grieving the death of a loved one or caring for someone with a chronic or terminal illness, you might not feel ready for festivities and celebrations.
Legacies and WWII Veterans: A Way to Manage Grief and Loss
November 7, 2011
My dad is a World War II vet. He signed up when he was 17 and worked the railroad. He told us a few stories when we were growing up, but he really started sharing his experiences after my daughter interviewed him for a high school class project. He hasn’t stopped. A few years back we arranged to have him interviewed for the National Archives Veteran’s History Project. Now we have a treasured CD with his voice telling his stories.
When I listen to the CD, I hear a few hints of his now very obvious memory loss. His stories morph with each re-telling. A few months ago I would say Don’t you mean … Wasn’t that …. Now I just listen to the new version and enjoy him reveling in the storytelling.
While I experience the ongoing grief that accompanies loving a person with memory loss, my dad experiences his own grief. He’s very aware of his decline. Getting old is hell. We usually think of a loss as the death of a person, but there are many losses that can be experienced by a person with a chronic or terminal illness. Click here to read more.
Additional Resource:
http://www.hospicewr.org/legacy
Journaling and Grief
October 24, 2011
Many people find journaling and other forms of writing to be helpful for healing. Journals can store our innermost thoughts and feelings and provide a healthy release of emotions. Journaling provides the bereaved time to attend to their grief and a way of identifying and processing though grief reactions. While the inner world of grief feels chaotic, journaling helps add structure for clarifying our experiences.
If you never kept a journal you might not know where or how to begin. First, remember that the journal is for you. You are writing for yourself, not an audience. If you are not sure where to begin, write down what happened. Then describe what is happening now. Write what you are feeling and about where those feelings might come from. Even jotting down daily events can be a way to tap into other feelings.
Keep it simple. Be patient with yourself. You don’t have to write pages and pages and you don’t have to write every day. Writing prompts can also be helpful and I’ve included some tips to help you get started. There are three types of journals:
Grief: Is it okay to feel relief after a loved one dies?
October 11, 2011
With our aging population, there are many of us who are grieving the slow dying of our elderly parents. More and more of my fellow Baby Boomers are becoming part-time caregivers when our parents become less and less able to care for themselves. For some adults, this can be extreme, for others it is less so. It becomes routine for us to consider our parents’ needs before making plans. We make certain that they have food in the house and clean clothing. We manage their finances and make sure prescriptions are filled and taken appropriately. Juggling everything can be pretty complicated, but we do it because we love our parents and appreciate how they cared for us when we were children.
It is okay feel relief. When parents die after a long illness, many adult children feel relief. Grief is the expected emotion; relief often comes as a surprise. I have seen this time and time again in our bereavement center. Unfortunately, the bereaved feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit that their primary emotion is relief. This could lead to feeling guilty and conflicted.
Additional Resource: http://www.eldercarelink.com/Other-Resources/Grief-and-Relief-Mix-of-Emotions-After-a-Death-Can-Foster-Guilt.htm
