July 28, 2015
Many grieving people wonder how they can maintain the bond they had with their deceased loved one as they move on with their lives. Many can’t even imagine moving on.
Developing a continuing bond happens over time. It shifts and changes for the mourner as different meanings in the loss are discovered. Continuing bonds provides solace, support and helps ease the transition from the past to the present.
Finding a way to carry the love for the deceased in our hearts is a great comfort. Some folks make major life changes. They go back to school, get new jobs, advocate for new laws or start fundraising. Others engage in their heritage and cultural activities to find meaning and connection.
Often we hear mourners remark, he would have loved this. I often think how my dad would react to certain news events. I know he would have loved when all of his children would get together. He would have loved my newest granddaughter. The truth is that we can honor and remember our loved one in the context of things they haven’t experienced but would have loved.
Finding consolation in simple things can also help grievers find meaning in the relationship with the deceased and with the death. It helps create a bridge to a lasting, enduring, loving connection.
Remember your beloved when ….
…that person’s favorite song or artist comes on the radio.
…you wear a certain piece of jewelry or clothing.
…savoring a favorite food or dining in a preferred restaurant.
…watching the news, television or a movie.
…you meet someone that resembles or acts similar.
…you do something new and adventurous that he or she would have loved doing.
When we remember our deceased loved one, we frequently remember what they loved doing and various experiences. Continuing bonds allows us to carry our memories forward into how we live and what we love today. May your memories be a blessing.
June 22, 2015
When someone you love dies, being surrounded by their belongings can be both a treasure and a stressor. What is the best thing to do with all that stuff?
Do you toss it in a dumpster, donate to your local charity, save it for other people, save it for yourself or sell it?! And how do you decide what to keep? And if you do keep it, what do you do with it?
Our loved one’s belongings often hold special memories. Repurposing those items by turning them into artwork can help us honor and celebrate their lives as well as keep our memories alive. While it may be difficult to cut, snip and refashion these precious items, with patience and a little creativity they can be turned into a lasting keepsake.
Here are some suggestions to get you started:
China – Mosaics are the art of assemblage of colored stone, glass and other items to create artwork. Use china, tea cups and decorative plates to decorate the top of a memory box, tray or table.
Clothing – Old neckties, jeans, hats, sweaters, and other items can be used to make quilts, blankets, teddy bears, hats, and purses. Pockets from shirts and jeans can be included for holding personal notes.
Jewelry – Create new jewelry. Silver and gold can be melted down by a jeweler and used to create something new for you or for several people in your family. Gems and semi-precious stones can be shared amongst everyone in new designs. Cufflinks can become charms on a bracelet or necklace. Costume jewelry can adorn anything from a Christmas tree to a candle. Old pins can be turned into vintage magnets. Belt buckles can become necklaces. Be creative!
Table Cloths – Skirts, blouses and shawls can be fashioned from the beautiful fabric of a cherished table cloth. They can also be turned placemats or pillows.
Wall Art – Tools, jewelry, clothing and dishes can be used to create interesting and memory filled displays. Create a special wall hanging area for hats and/or purses that belonged to your loved. You can have items framed or buy and decorate a shadow box for these mementos.
May 27, 2015
Many of us are aware that grief is a normal part of every loss we experience, but grief does not only appear after the loss. Anticipatory grief is the form of grief that occurs when one is confronted with a chronic or life threatening illness or when one anticipates the death of a loved one (or oneself). Anticipatory grief does not substitute, or necessarily lessen, grief that follows death. It is not simply grief pushed ahead in time.
Anticipatory grief is not a way to complete your grief prior to the death of the individual. Rather, it is a response to losses of both the person who is ill as well as caregivers and others who are close to him or her. Each experiences anticipatory grief from their own unique frame of reference.
Many times when we think of a loss we think about the death of a person, but there are many other losses. These include tangible losses such as physical limitations and intangible losses such as the loss of hopes, dreams, dignity, motivation and many others. With life limiting and chronic illnesses, both the patient and the caregiver experience anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief not only includes future losses but also past and present losses.
Tips on managing anticipatory grief:
Remember there are no rules to grieving. Grief is a result of loving someone. Be kind to yourself and in doing so you will be better able to help others.
April 27, 2015
The depth of grief after the death of a partner or spouse can be overwhelming. There is a void – a hole in your heart that your beloved once filled and the aloneness is vast. Just the idea of beginning a new relationship can be scary.
Each person grieves in his or her own way and not everyone is interested in dating or resuming a social life after the death partner or spouse. However, you may find that starting a relationship and finding this aspect of meaning in life can be part of the healing process.
How will you know when you are ready to date? Here are some things to consider:
The death of your partner or spouse has become part of your life story and who you are. Your relationship with the deceased does not end, but a new relationship is created based on memory, spirit and love. Meeting someone new and developing a connection creates new memories and meaning.
Diane Snyder Cowan, Hospice of the Western Reserve ©2015
March 26, 2015
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, death rates from drug poisoning have tripled since 2012. The researchers found an average increase in heroin-related drug poisoning deaths of 6% per year from 2000 through 2010. The increase from 2010 through 2013 was an astonishing 37%. Deaths have shifted from middle and older-aged men to younger white men from Middle America.
It’s tragic and impacts the bereaved on many levels.
Grief reactions are often intricate and complex. When you add that the person died from an overdose, accidental or not, it complicates matters. There is a myriad of emotions that occur when someone dies and when someone dies from an overdose, the most difficult ones rise to the surface.
Shame, blame, guilt, stigma, isolation, loneliness, fear and anxiety are prevalent.
Sometimes the bereaved feel guilty. They relive over and over the “should haves, could haves” and “if onlys.” The bereaved often blame themselves and they blame others. Shame is a common reaction. Some feel judged for loving someone with an addiction or for having an addiction themselves. Unfortunately, the shame makes people hesitant to share. Consequently, they don’t reach out but rather become isolated and lonely. It is a sad, downward spiral.
Fear and anxiety are also prevalent grief reactions with a substance abuse death. There is the fear that other family members or friends will overdose or that people who are currently using might die. And, there is the fear of relapse for people in recovery.
The stigma society imposes for substance abuse loss is overwhelming and there is an overlap between intentional overdose and unintentional overdose. Unfortunately, people deeply misunderstand addiction and mental illness.
WhatsYourGrief.com suggests the following to help manage grief after a substance abuse death:
Grief includes all kinds of feelings. If you feel overwhelmed with emotion, trust the grief process and give yourself permission to be with all your feelings. Know that there are others out there who feel the same. And, there are counselors and support groups that will welcome and support you. You do not have to grieve alone.
Diane Snyder Cowan, Hospice of the Western Reserve ©2015
February 25, 2015
Grieving the loss of a loved one is difficult enough, but when the relationship is non-traditional it can become even more complicated. When an LGBTQ person cannot openly mourn the death of a loved one or when society at large disenfranchises this grief, heartache is turned inward and the healing process suffers. Sadly, sometimes folks disenfranchise their own grief. Secrecy, shame and guilt are a few of the grief reactions commonly expressed in the LGBTQ community. Turning grief inward can result in isolation, use of unhealthy coping strategies and feelings of depression.
Members of the LGBTQ community who have experienced the death of a loved one, especially of their significant other, may not have the support from family and friends that heterosexuals come to expect when a loved one dies. Family and friends may not understand the relationship or may be angry at their loved one and partner. Some family and friends may not have known about these relationships as couples could have kept them hidden for years. This all complicates the mourning process and impacts mourning rituals.
LGBTQ art therapy workshops offer this community the opportunity to come together in a safe environment to creatively work through their grief as well as to create art in honor of their loved one.
Michael created this beautiful rose Suncatcher (dyes on silk) to honor his late partner. His partner loved roses and had a beautiful rose garden. Unable to get support from his family and friends, Michael relied on his deceased partner’s family to comfort him on his grief journey.
Maggie’s grief was also disenfranchised by her partner’s family. In fact, shortly after the death, her partner’s children arrived at her home to take out their mother’s bedroom set. Maggie was assertive and didn’t allow this to happen. Sadly though, Maggie’s loss was complicated because her partner was the breadwinner. In addition to her death, Maggie lost her home and had to move to a smaller community away from her supports. The art therapy workshops allowed her to work through her feelings of grief and come to some acceptance. The groups provided a safe place for her to come, create and meet other members of her community who were grieving. Her piece, Door to Tomorrow, shows her feeling alone but hopeful.
Members of the LGBTQ community need to know that they have the right to grieve and that support is available. Please consider attending one of our LGBTQ art therapy events. For more information, contact the bereavement center at 216.486.6838.
Click here to see our Spring Support Groups 2015.
Diane Snyder Cowan, Director, The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center ©2015
February 2, 2015
After the death of a loved one, many newly bereaved lose their appetite and interest in food. However food can play an important role in grief work. Food is a harbinger of memories. Aromas often transport us to the past, providing comfort and joy in treasured remembrances.
Think about the food that connects you with your deceased loved one. Was it a special meal? Was it the meal where he or she proposed? Was it associated with a holiday? Was it a late-night snack at the kitchen table or a picnic on a beach? Take a minute and you will most likely come up with many dishes. One or two will stand out.
Of all the special dishes my mother-in-law prepared, my husband’s childhood favorite was apple pancakes. With his eyes lit and mouth-watering, he is able to describe how his mother and grandmother would carefully core an apple, thinly peel the outer layer and slice it into circles. After the batter was on the griddle his mom would place one apple slice on it and then flip it over.
A master baker recently described a simple cheesy potato recipe that her mother used to make. With tears in her eyes she recalled how this dish, more than any fancy meal or celebration, connected her with her mother.
After my dad died, I could not look at a lemon bar without tearing up. Now I smile and take a bite on his behalf.
Many bereaved share stories about duplicating their deceased loved one’s recipes. One routinely makes her aunt’s cranberry relish for Thanksgiving despite the fact that no one eats it. For her, this ritual connects her with her aunt.
In grief work, continuing bonds are the objects or events that connect us to the deceased. Continuing bonds are dynamic. They shift and change over time. Preparing your deceased loved one’s recipe can be one way to make and find meaning in your relationship. If you’re not into cooking, simply having that tasty treat or going to a restaurant that you both frequented will provide that bond.
Appetizers, entrées and desserts that transport us to special memories can provide meaning and comfort during the grief journey.
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January 9, 2015
It seems as if the news is filled with senseless murders and of inexplicable interactions between the police and the community. The inconceivable happens – a special person dies in a sudden and unexpected way. When a loved one is murdered, family and friends often experience traumatic symptoms along with grief reactions.
Homicide is so sudden and unanticipated. It falls outside the usual experience of what one expects life to be like. Abruptly losing a person in this manner can shatter one’s sense of well-being. Strong reactions are common, including fear, helplessness, shock, anger and even horror. These trauma reactions are normal responses to an extremely difficult time in our lives. But when you mix these reactions with grief, the results can be overwhelming.
Grieving parents of murdered children and grandchildren often mention that they feel like they are in “another world,” but the world around them doesn’t stop. It’s common to feel a sense of numbness, of “being in a fog.”
You may also feel:
The signs and symptoms of a stress reaction may last a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or longer, depending on the severity of the traumatic death. The understanding and support of family and friends can help the stress reactions pass more quickly. Here are a number of tips that can help during this very difficult time:
Above all, know that you’re not going crazy. Your reactions are normal. However, there are times when a traumatic death is so painful that professional assistance may be helpful. Seek professional help if anger, anxiety and depression persist, worsen or begin to interfere with your life, job or relationships. Be kind and gentle with yourself and remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
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December 5, 2014
The inevitable question grieving people ask at this time of the year is, “How will I ever get through the holidays?” Whether it’s the first or second holiday season they face, the added strains can create increased pressure for people already experiencing the intense feelings of grief. So how do you “get through” them? There is no single answer. Let this be the guiding thought: Do what is comfortable for you.
Be mindful –Anticipating the day is often much worse than the day itself. Recognize that the holidays will be different this year. In addition to the absence of your loved one, you too are different this season. Slow yourself down by taking deep breaths. Do what feels comfortable and remember to take time to nurture yourself.
Plan – Talk over your plans with the family. Respect each other’s choices and needs while preserving your own, and compromise as needed. Avoid additional stress. Decide what you really want to do and make changes where you can. Maybe purchase gift certificates this year instead of dealing with the large crowds at shopping malls, or ask someone else to bake the cookies or holiday dinner.
Consider rituals and traditions – Family traditions may have changed since the death. It may seem like nothing is the same as it used to be or everything is exactly the same, except that your loved one is missing. Rituals support the connection and bond between you and your loved one. Consider honoring your loved one by lighting a candle, donating a gift in his or her memory or creating a new ritual.
Look ahead – The past year has been a change event for you. As you look towards 2015, consider all that has occurred and what you have learned. As you search to find meaning in the loss and revise your life story, you may begin to understand some of what has happened and find a bridge between the past and future that makes sense to you.
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November 7, 2014
As Thanksgiving and the holiday season approaches, you may be wondering what you have to be thankful for this year. This time of year can be so challenging when loss is at the center of your life. Perhaps this year rather than thinking about being thankful, think more about giving thanks.
You may ask what can I give thanks for? Here are some questions to consider:
What did you learn from the person who died? What life lessons were passed on? How many hugs did that person give you? Or how many meals and deep conversations were experienced? Who taught you how to be a mother, daughter, sister, or aunt – or how to act and dress appropriately? Who cuddled with you? Who did you take long quiet walks with? Who taught you that secret recipe? Who gave you bliss? Perhaps this year you can give thanks for these moments.
In what ways did your loved one make your life sweeter and richer? What was the value of loving this person not only as a family member but as a friend? Although it is perfectly okay to still grieve and mourn your loss, remember that grief is about love. Give thanks for being able to give and receive love.
Sometimes it’s helpful to slow things down and focus on the small moments of gratitude first. So this holiday season, try to stay in the moment. Taste the first cup of coffee or tea in the morning and be mindful of the warmth it brings. Allow small moments of pleasure and presence to move you toward healing. Being able to notice the small moments of grace are enough for now. In time, these moments may become more frequent and obvious in your life, as may the gifts your loved one has bestowed in your heart forever.
Give thanks this year for the gifts of yesterdays, the gifts of memories, love and laughter as they create the hopes of tomorrows.
Please visit our on-line grief discussions groups athttp://www.hospicewr.org/discussions/grief/.
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This article was also posted on ShareWIK.