Everybody has a “what if”

May 16, 2013

Everyone has a “what if.”  What if I drove instead of him? What if  I didn’t put her in the nursing home? What if we went with the feeding tube? What if I told her how much I loved and needed her? What if?  What then?

Guilt. It is a feeling that many people experience after the death of a loved one. Not only are there what ifs, but there are also should haves, could haves, would haves and if onlys. People generally make the best decision they can with the information that they have. Hindsight is 20/20 and can be a dangerous thing. People second-guess themselves and experience pangs of guilt.

The bottom line is that it is okay to experience feelings of guilt. Feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad. Guilt may or may not be illogical. The important thing is to understand it and cope with it. If guilt is unrecognized or unattended to, it can cause unhappiness and poor health. It can consume you. Engaging with feelings of guilt in a healthy way can be transformative in the grief process.  Click here to read more.

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Mother’s Day and Grief

April 29, 2013

Mother’s Day is usually a time of celebration, but for some the time can be filled with pain and sorrow. Not everyone will be buying flowers or going to brunch with the family. For those who have experienced the death of a child or a mother, for those struggling with infertility, or for those who have a difficult relationship with their mother, here are some suggestions for getting through this difficult time.

On grieving the death of your mother

• Acknowledge your loss and the difficulty this day brings
• Don’t try to minimize the loss
• Complete a ritual: light a candle
• Click here to read more

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Remembrance Gardens

April 18, 2013

Spring is here and we are provided with an opportunity to spend time outdoors. While grieving the death of your loved one, you may want to consider a gardening project. Working with the earth is a great way to connect with nature, expend energy in a positive way, and create something beautiful.

A remembrance garden is a wonderful tribute for a deceased loved one. It’s an undertaking that can be done individually or by the whole family. The garden becomes a quiet relaxing retreat, a space for reflection and remembering. If you don’t have space for a garden, you can be creative and place plants on a deck, porch patio, balcony or steps.

• Decide on your budget. This will determine the size and type of garden decor. It can be as small as one bush or tree or as big as a baseball field.
• Choose plants that are suited to your area. If your area is shady, pick plants that are hardy in the shade. Your local gardening/landscape supplier will be helpful in selecting appropriate plants.
• Choose plants that have special meaning to your loved one, or that have colors or scents that evoke memories. Certain plants have certain meanings. For example forget- me-nots stand for memories, rosemary means remembrance, daisies suggest innocence.
• A wooden bench or metal chair strategically placed provides the visitor a place for reflection and comfort.
• Purchase large river rocks that could be inscribed with your loved one’s name, or collect large stepping stones that can be placed to honor the deceased.
• If your garden is in a sunny location, consider an arbor covered with climbing vines or roses to provide some shade for the visitor.
• Water fountains help to create a serene, relaxing and calming atmosphere. There are many to choose from and they vary in shape, materials and sizes.
• If honoring a music lover, consider wind chimes or tall grasses that create sound when the wind blows.

There are many parallels between grief and gardening. We can learn to take care of ourselves as we take care of our gardens. We gain insight from planting, watering, pruning and watching plants grow. The gardener waits for the beauty of the bloom; the grieving anticipate the return of the beautiful memories.

Visit your remembrance garden often and maintain it with pride. It can bring solace, comfort and a sense of renewal.

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Honoring the Deceased

April 1, 2013

When we experience the death of a loved one, we strive to keep their memory alive in our hearts and minds. Paying tribute is one way to recognize that person with respect, honor and/or remembrance. By honoring our loved one, we are reminded of shared history and time together.

Holidays and special occasions can be bittersweet and the absence of your loved one can be palpable. Birthdays and celebratory days are different now and can be difficult. Consider making these days a time to honor your sadness and your joy. The person you are missing contributed to who you are. You can include them by acknowledging and paying tribute.

To get started, think about the personality of your deceased loved one. Click here to read more.

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Grief and Substance Abuse

March 19, 2013

For some, the pain of grief is unbearable. To quote a colleague — we live in a death-denying, pain-avoiding society. To numb the pain of grief, some folks choose to have a have a drink in the evening. And then have two drinks and before long it is a fifth a day and then some. Some turn to other substances, prescription drugs or narcotics.

Alcohol and drugs thwart the ability to process events and they interfere with grief work. In the bereavement center we find that unresolved grief is common with folks struggling with drugs and alcohol – whether or not they started as a result of grief.

For some, substance use turns to substance abuse after the death of a loved one. For others, substance use already had control of their life. Click here to read more.

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Family Feuds: Interruptions in the Grief Process

March 6, 2013

Stress and grief can bring out the worst in people. Lately, I’ve been privy to a number of discussions where there is an enormous amount of family fighting after the death of a family member. This is usually around “stuff.”  Adult children, spouse, ex-spouses, and relatives who haven’t been seen in a while show up wanting “stuff.” Some just take what they want without asking. 

Other times it’s a bit more involved. Maybe one adult child wants to clean out the closet, but the other sibling isn’t quite ready. Perhaps there was a divorce and the divorced spouse was still the one to provide care. However, the will is changed and other family members have deleted the ex from getting anything. Or, the out-of-town family member is angry at end-of-life decisions that were made in his or her absence. The in-town family members are angry at the person for being away. Sometimes the fights revolve around funeral planning.  Click here to read more.

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Multiple Losses: Is it time to get a new address book?

February 19, 2013

As a Boomer, my world is slowly shrinking. Several of my friends are experiencing the death of a parent. My mom is experiencing the death of her good friends. In addition to feeling sad for mom, I too mourn the losses as I have known these folks my entire life. And my friends are dying, one or two every year or so. By the end of the week, I will have gone to three funerals and made two Shiva calls. 

My mother questions whether she should get a new address book. She is tired of crossing off names. I hope she is joking. It is poignant. I know that when I look in my address book, it brings me comfort to see those names and remember those individuals who have died. In fact, I have kept a few emails from former colleagues – now deceased. 

What does one do with all of these losses? How do we maintain a sense of who we are and our place in the world amidst so much loss?  Click here to read more.

Normalizing the Grief of Adults with Special Needs

February 6, 2013

No two people experience a disability the same way just as no two people experience loss the same way. The personality of the person, their support systems and life experiences determine their grief reaction and how best to help meet their needs.

 Adults with special needs experience a number of losses that often go unrecognized. Most do not get a driver’s license, get married or have children. Some live with their parents into adulthood, and when their aging parents die it necessitates a move into a new setting. The adult has not only lost a loved one, but a home as well. Staffing changes in group homes may also be the source of unrecognized loss. In addition, housemates, staff or co-workers may die or move on leaving the adult isolated and grieving.  Click here to read more.

Grief and Dementia

January 23, 2013

Many of us are aware that grief is a normal part of every loss we experience. Grief and loss can occur over time when caring for a loved one with dementia. With each loss, there can be a grief reaction. For many, these losses are not initially recognized at a cognitive level as grief, but are experienced at an emotional level through anxiety, sadness and depression. Increasing one’s awareness of anticipatory grief will not only help to identify this feeling, but also provide interventions, which may make one’s journey a little easier. 

The term anticipatory grief can have several meanings.  It may have a specific focus (the impending death of an individual) and be more inclusive of secondary losses. It may be expanded to include illnesses like dementia where the person with the disease and their family are experiencing losses over a period of time. There may not necessarily be a terminal diagnosis.

Simply put, anticipatory grief is the form of grief that occurs when one is confronted with a chronic or life threatening illness or when one anticipates the death of a loved one (or oneself).  Click here to read more.

Grief and New Year’s Resolutions

January 7, 2013

Many people think about making resolutions in the new year. This is usually a firm determination to do or not do something. Lose weight, exercise more and spend less are but a few examples of resolutions that are more often than not, put to rest by the end of January. 

Online, you can find many definitions of resolution. 

In chemistry, it is the process of separating or reducing something into parts. It is the fineness of detail in images and the picture on our flat screen TV. In medicine, it is when symptoms or abnormal conditions subside or disappear.  In law, it’s a court decision. In music, it’s the progression of a dissonant tone to a consonant one or how a musical phrase ends. 

In grief work resolution includes adjusting to the loss. Click here to read more.

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