Grief Exhaustion
December 19, 2011
One common characteristic of grief is exhaustion. If you are newly bereaved, you may be feeling more tired than usual. You may feel so tired that you think you may have the flu as the only other time you have experienced this weakened state is when you have been ill. Small tasks may seem monumental and every routine chore becomes a huge job. Grief is hard work and the business surrounding your loved one’s death can also take a toll. Perhaps you sat vigil the final days of your loved one’s life and even if you weren’t sitting vigil, you may have been so preoccupied that you could not get a decent night’s rest.
‘Tis the season: coping with holidays
December 9, 2011
For the past 10 years I have written an annual column on coping with the holidays. Each year I get asked, “How will I ever get through the holidays?” For so many bereaved, this will be the first holiday season without their deceased love one.
The first year is difficult. The second and third year can be pretty tough too.
The first year, things may seem surreal. Perhaps you decided to take a vacation or have dinner at your auntie’s home. You may still be in a fog. Then the second or third holiday season comes around and reality sets in. Your deceased love one will not be present. If you always had Christmas dinner at mom’s or potato latkes at Aunt Marsha’s, you may now have to be the host of such gatherings. Although you start a new tradition, you still can honor your loved one. Cook a favorite dish, take time to share stories, or give to a charity in honor of him or her.
Grief, Gratitude and Thanksgiving
November 22, 2011
Here comes Thanksgiving. This is the holiday that focuses on giving thanks where loving families celebrate by coming together. After all, the television and media bombard us with this truth. Hallmark movies embrace the returning vet or the estranged brother, and bickering couples always seem to re-unite.
And yet, you’re not up for all this brouhaha.
Do I sound cynical? I don’t mean to be. Many people have a hard time with holidays in general let alone when they are bereaved. When you are grieving the death of a loved one or caring for someone with a chronic or terminal illness, you might not feel ready for festivities and celebrations.
Legacies and WWII Veterans: A Way to Manage Grief and Loss
November 7, 2011
My dad is a World War II vet. He signed up when he was 17 and worked the railroad. He told us a few stories when we were growing up, but he really started sharing his experiences after my daughter interviewed him for a high school class project. He hasn’t stopped. A few years back we arranged to have him interviewed for the National Archives Veteran’s History Project. Now we have a treasured CD with his voice telling his stories.
When I listen to the CD, I hear a few hints of his now very obvious memory loss. His stories morph with each re-telling. A few months ago I would say Don’t you mean … Wasn’t that …. Now I just listen to the new version and enjoy him reveling in the storytelling.
While I experience the ongoing grief that accompanies loving a person with memory loss, my dad experiences his own grief. He’s very aware of his decline. Getting old is hell. We usually think of a loss as the death of a person, but there are many losses that can be experienced by a person with a chronic or terminal illness. Click here to read more.
Additional Resource:
http://www.hospicewr.org/legacy
Journaling and Grief
October 24, 2011
Many people find journaling and other forms of writing to be helpful for healing. Journals can store our innermost thoughts and feelings and provide a healthy release of emotions. Journaling provides the bereaved time to attend to their grief and a way of identifying and processing though grief reactions. While the inner world of grief feels chaotic, journaling helps add structure for clarifying our experiences.
If you never kept a journal you might not know where or how to begin. First, remember that the journal is for you. You are writing for yourself, not an audience. If you are not sure where to begin, write down what happened. Then describe what is happening now. Write what you are feeling and about where those feelings might come from. Even jotting down daily events can be a way to tap into other feelings.
Keep it simple. Be patient with yourself. You don’t have to write pages and pages and you don’t have to write every day. Writing prompts can also be helpful and I’ve included some tips to help you get started. There are three types of journals:
Grief: Is it okay to feel relief after a loved one dies?
October 11, 2011
With our aging population, there are many of us who are grieving the slow dying of our elderly parents. More and more of my fellow Baby Boomers are becoming part-time caregivers when our parents become less and less able to care for themselves. For some adults, this can be extreme, for others it is less so. It becomes routine for us to consider our parents’ needs before making plans. We make certain that they have food in the house and clean clothing. We manage their finances and make sure prescriptions are filled and taken appropriately. Juggling everything can be pretty complicated, but we do it because we love our parents and appreciate how they cared for us when we were children.
It is okay feel relief. When parents die after a long illness, many adult children feel relief. Grief is the expected emotion; relief often comes as a surprise. I have seen this time and time again in our bereavement center. Unfortunately, the bereaved feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit that their primary emotion is relief. This could lead to feeling guilty and conflicted.
Additional Resource: http://www.eldercarelink.com/Other-Resources/Grief-and-Relief-Mix-of-Emotions-After-a-Death-Can-Foster-Guilt.htm
Stepping Stones: A Healing Arts Workshop
October 7, 2011
Please join us for A Healing Arts Workshop where we will create a cemment stepping stone to honor our deceased love ones.
Healing Arts Workshops are funded in part by residents of Cuyahoga County thorugh Cuyahoga Arts and Culture.
This will be offered in 3 locations. Click here for details.
If you’ve lost a child, there is no need to grieve in silence
October 3, 2011
October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and it’s a good time to promote support, education and awareness about this difficult topic. Too many families grieve in silence. Parents, grandparents, siblings, relatives often deeply mourn these deaths, but society often disenfranchises their grief. Well-intentioned phrases from others can be hurtful. At least you have two other children. You can always get pregnant again.
In addition to the community not recognizing or minimizing the loss, there are other challenges. Grief is impacted by hormonal and physical readjustment. It may be difficult to be with others who are pregnant or have babies. There are two anniversary dates, which can trigger a grief reaction: the date of death and the due date. Finally, expectant moms may experience increased anxiety, fearfulness of repeating the experience and the loss of “bliss and joy.” Click here to read more.
Additional resources:
Hospice of the Western Reserve’s Perinatal Palliative Care program.
The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center
Grief and Loss and the high holy days
September 28, 2011
While much is written about grieving during Thanksgiving and the many December holidays, not much attention has been given to the difficulty coping during the Jewish high holy season.
Happy New Year. May you be inscribed in the book of life….
This sentiment is expressed by many well intentioned individuals throughout the Jewish High Holy days. However, if you have recently experienced the death of a loved one, these greetings may be difficult to hear. Family members gather to celebrate with traditional foods. Communities come together to worship. These can act as a trigger for the newly bereaved. As families dip apples in honey to ensure a sweet new year, the grieving individual may be wondering if life will ever be sweet again. If you are caring for a loved one with a terminal illness or have just buried your loved one, the holidays can bring sadness and loneliness. People who grieve may in fact, dread this time of year because they don’t feel happy. They may want to skip the holidays altogether.
There are many significant days for the bereaved throughout the year – birthdays, anniversaries, secular holidays and the religious holidays. The new year’s services elucidate the fragility of life with many life and death themes. While some find solace and comfort in the synagogue through singing, meditation and reading sacred poems, others may feel it is just too much. These themes can be a trigger and everyone reacts differently. There is no right or wrong away to celebrate after a loved one has died.
People who are grieving often do not have the emotional or physical energy to celebrate the holidays as have they done in the past. Communicate with family and friends. Let others know when you are not up to attending a gathering.
Think about including the deceased in your holiday. You may want to honor your loved one by sharing stories, reminiscing about past holidays, toasting your loved one’s memory or doing a kind deed as a tribute.
Be kind and gentle to yourself. Honor your time to grieve.
Originally posted September 2010
When your child’s friend dies
September 14, 2011
The lazy days of summer are quickly coming to an end; soon school halls will be buzzing with laughter, excitement and activity as students file into their classrooms. As we move into the routine of another school year filled with promise, death is typically the last thing on our minds. Unfortunately, sudden death can strike the lives of students and school communities without warning, leaving despair, uncertainty and pain in its wake.
Sadly, tragedies occur everyday. Click here to read more.
