Multiple Losses: Is It Time to Get a New Address Book?

BY: Diane Snyder Cowan

CATEGORY: Grief and Loss
​As a Boomer, my world is slowly shrinking. Several of my friends are experiencing the death of a parent. My mom is experiencing the death of her good friends. In addition to feeling sad for mom, I too mourn the losses as I have known these folks my entire life. And my friends are dying, one or two every year or so. By the end of the week, I will have gone to three funerals and made two Shiva calls.
My mother questions whether she should get a new address book. She is tired of crossing off names. I hope she is joking. It is poignant. I know that when I look in my address book, it brings me comfort to see those names and remember those individuals who have died. In fact, I have kept a few emails from former colleagues – now deceased.

What does one do with all of these losses? How do we maintain a sense of who we are and our place in the world amidst so much loss?

Many times multiple losses occur within a short period of time. For older adults, the loss of a friend often impacts their social activities. My mother’s bridge club looks different today than it did just two months ago. As a young girl I remember my grandfather’s nonchalance when the ambulance carted off a gentleman from the cigar smoke-filled gin rummy room. The other gents just kept right on playing.  My great-aunt used to talk about waiting for someone to die so she could get a room in the nursing home.  She was in her mid-nineties. At a certain age it seemed as if death became a part of everyday life. However knowing that doesn’t diminish the feelings of sadness and loss one experiences after the death.

Each loss has a different level of significance based on the relationship with that person.  You may be closer with your neighbor that you have known only a few years than with your uncle who lives out of town. You may be estranged with one family member and extremely connected with another. Allow for differences and accept the varying grief reactions that occur with each death.

Remember to:
 
  • Check frequently that you have balance in your life.
  • Be gentle with yourself.  Although you may often feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that what you are going through is normal.
  • Educate yourself and become familiar with the normal experiences of grieving.
  • Remember that grieving takes time. Allow yourself to heal at your own pace.
  • Grieve each loss and talk about each death separately.
Grieving many losses concurrently can result in feeling overwhelmed or numb.  You do not need to grieve alone. Reach out to family, friends or health care professionals or support groups to assist you on your grief journey.

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