Family Feuds: Interruptions in the Grief Process

BY: Diane Snyer Cowan

CATEGORY: Grief and Loss
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Stress and grief can bring out the worst in people. Lately, I’ve been privy to a number of discussions where there is an enormous amount of family fighting after the death of a family member. This is usually around “stuff.”  Adult children, spouse, ex-spouses, and relatives who haven’t been seen in a while show up wanting “stuff.” Some just take what they want without asking.

Other times it’s a bit more involved. Maybe one adult child wants to clean out the closet, but the other sibling isn’t quite ready. Perhaps there was a divorce and the divorced spouse was still the one to provide care. However, the will is changed and other family members have deleted the ex from getting anything. Or, the out-of-town family member is angry at end-of-life decisions that were made in his or her absence. The in-town family members are angry at the person for being away. Sometimes the fights revolve around funeral planning.

The scenarios are endless. The unfortunate part is that in-fighting masks or interrupts feelings of grief that family members experience at the time of death. Not only do you mourn the death of your deceased parent, you may find yourself grieving the loss of your living sibling.

Perhaps we can learn from Aesop’s fable, “The Bundle of Sticks.”

A father had a family of sons who were perpetually quarreling amongst themselves. As an old man on the point of death, the father summoned his sons to give them some parting advice. He had a bundle of sticks, which he placed into the hands of each of them in succession, and then ordered his sons to break the bundle in pieces. They tried with all their strength, but were not able to do so. He next opened the bundle, took the sticks separately, one by one, and again put them into his sons’ hands, upon which they broke the sticks easily. He then said, “You see my meaning.”

What is the moral of this fable? Simply put, unity gives strength. When you stand alone, you are as vulnerable as single stick. When you stand together, you are unbreakable.

When a family is united with grief, they are stronger and better able to support one another.

Consider what is at stake during these times. What was the relationship like before the death of the family member? Can things be reconciled? Can relationships be repaired? Do you want reconciliation? How important is the “stuff?” Just as grief is unique to the individual, the answers to these questions will be different for everyone. Grief is hard work. With family and friends by your side and drawing from each other’s strength, it can become more manageable.

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